Fairhope, AL – The once-tranquil streets of Fairhope have become an unexpected battleground as four local Mahjong clubs—Mahjong By the Bay, Point Clear Mahjong, Mahjong Collective, and the notorious Montrose Mahjong Posse—descended into full-blown war, marking the bloodiest conflict the city has seen since that heated debate over whether King Cake should include Cream Cheese.
It all started over a simple scheduling dispute at Provision coffee shop and Instagram content mining facility, where the coveted Wednesday morning slot had traditionally belonged to Mahjong By the Bay. However, after a highly controversial game last week, during which Linda Pritchard from Point Clear Mahjong allegedly accused Mahjong By the Bay’s president, Kaileigh Haileigh lee Wilson, of “strategic tile-hoarding,” tensions soared. Someone then fashioned what appeared to be a homemade Molotov cocktail out of a bottle of unsweet tea.
By Thursday morning, Fairhope had split into four distinct territories, each controlled by one of the Mahjong factions. The Montrose Mahjong Posse, known for their aggressive playing style and an iron grip on the area’s casserole market, swiftly blockaded the Hermit Hut.
Mahjong Collective—an upstart group of younger retirees who describe themselves as “progressive but traditionalist” (whatever that means)—set up a fortified position in front of Page & Palette, using hardcover copies of Forrest Gump as makeshift shields.
Meanwhile, Point Clear Mahjong had aligned with the H&M Golf Carts, weaponizing passive-aggressive glances and strategically placed speed bumps to disrupt enemy supply lines.
The Fairhope City Council quickly called an emergency meeting, though no one was able to agree on a course of action because someone kept bringing up last year’s Christmas parade disaster. Mayor Sullivan attempted to broker peace by offering a space at Refuge Coffee, but all factions rejected it as “completely absurd”.
Tensions escalated further when Mahjong By the Bay captured and detained two members of the Montrose Mahjong Posse, holding them hostage in the Winn-Dixie produce section. Demands for their release included an apology, a bottle of Merlot, and a pound of chicken salad from Allegri Farm Market.
As of Monday morning, the conflict remains at a stalemate, though reports indicate that a secret "Mahjong ceasefire summit" may be in the works at an undisclosed location (widely believed to be the back room at Red or White).
Until then, residents of Fairhope are urged to stay indoors, and avoid any suspicious-looking groups of well-dressed women with tote bags.
This is an ongoing story. More updates as they come.
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