Fairhope Fitness Craze Takes Off as Women Discover Rucksacks Can Hold Entire Franzia Boxes

 

FAIRHOPE, AL — What began as a wholesome outdoor fitness movement has quickly devolved into Fairhope’s latest wine-fueled social event, as dozens of local women have taken up “rucksacking” — a workout that involves hiking with weighted backpacks — by stuffing their rucksacks exclusively with boxes of Franzia. Participants insist the activity strengthens their cores, improves balance, and “pairs beautifully with a crisp Pinot Grigio.” Witnesses report that the town’s walking trails now resemble “a cross between a CrossFit class and a vineyard happy hour,” with women stopping every quarter-mile to “hydrate” from their CamelBak spouts, which sources confirm are suspiciously tinted pink.

“It’s not about getting drunk,” claimed Fairhope resident Lindsay Porter, adjusting the straw on her bag-mounted wine tap. “It’s about health, friendship, and getting our steps in before the buzz wears off.” The group has even coined a motivational slogan — No Pain, No Pinot — and plans to host the first annual Ruck & Rosé 5K, where finishers receive medals, stemless glasses, and a reminder to call an Uber. Local officials say they’re “monitoring the situation,” though several were seen joining the group after learning the event’s hydration station was a full sangria bar.

Rising import prices cause The Happy Olive to switch to flavored Vegetable Oils.

 The Happy Olive specialty food store in Fairhope has been bathing tourists in an array of flavored olive oils for years. Sadly, rising import fees have prompted the owners to try a new approach to their business model, switching to flavored vegetable oils made right here in the U.S. You can now try frying chicken and catfish in Blood Orange-infused Canola oil, or making brownies with Italian Herb blended vegetable oil. The Happy Olive also plans to find out what on earth a Canola is, because as of now, no one knows. That's not all, for those planning a late night Fairhope Freak Off, they will also be offering flavored baby oils produced by Pensacola Rapper "Per-Diddy Key".

Blind Tiger restaurant not pleased with hedge maze in pier parking lot.

 

The Blind Tiger restaurant, located on the pier in downtown Fairhope is not pleased with the City accidentally erecting a large hedge maze directly over the former parking area. The owner states the maze is only hindering potential customers who are already put off by the construction and lack of parking, and says business has been dropping steadily since. The Council voting to install the real Voldemort within the maze, who forces you into a magic wand duel to pass onto the pier can also be harmful to the Tiger's business prospects. TBT is asking for monetary compensation for the harm to the restaurant, and the City is at the moment only offering a Harry Potter like figure to help customers battle the Voldemort.

Hope Farms takes flight! Sets it's sights on a local airline with "Big Bird Fairhope".

 Fairhope's famed restaurateurs at The Hope Farm have recently expanded their territory to a coffee shop, and again this month with Little Bird Fairhope, a polite nod to another restaurant that opened in the old Wintzell's named after a little bird. To help bring more folks to their businesses, Hope Farm has funded a farm-to-engine airline running out of Sonny Callahan airport called "Big Bird Fairhope
". The airline is scheduled to make weekly runs to Seaside, Mountain Brook, and Spring Hill in Mobile. The special Airbus crafted plane will feature a Sports Bar called the Larry Byrd, featuring sports broadcasts only of bird-themed teams, which fortunately is most of them. 

Fairhope woman honored with Medal of Valor for thinking about going to Mobile one time.

 

(Point Clear, Al)-  A ceremony is to be held on Saturday at the Fairhope Civic Center honoring a young Point Clear resident Ashleigh Clark, who in a group text with several of her friends last week recommended a restaurant in downtown Mobile for a friend's dinner night. After a few minutes with no response, she replied "lol" to herself then suggested Kingfisher instead. Her bravery did not go unnoticed though. Word spread about her courageous text through the Point Clear community, and soon she was shortlisted for the new series of awards for valor and bravery for Fairhope residents called "Heroes of Fairhope". This week Clark was awarded the Medal of Valor unanimously by the panel of jurors made up of 10 citizens who get an adrenaline rush watching WPSD 6 o'clock news.

Julialake's upcoming "Clubhouse" event to feature sewing workshop, local wine, and Necromancy.

 

Up and coming Fairhoper Julialake Graham has made a big name for herself with her booming "Clubhouse" events, featuring lavish decor, trendy crafts, and divine food spreads, but coming up next month the debutantes of Baldwin County will sip local wine flights while being trained in the dark art of Necromancy (the Black Magic dealing with raising the dead) taught by local Necromancer Leroy Barnes of Montrose. Barnes has a Masters degree from USA in Necromancy and also accounting and spends his time helping community members summon sub-human zombies to do chores, haunt enemies, or maybe to just listen to their feelings about stuff. Leroy also does taxes. 

At the May edition of Julialake's Clubhouse event, you can expect a crash course on sewing, a smart assortment of Hors d'oeuvres by Hope Farm, Style tips from Elizabeth Damrich, a wine tasting by Southern Grove Winery, and of course a ceremonial summoning of an army of the undead. Yes, the highlight of the night will have the women and Leroy, among the candlelit decor, chant sacred spells to bring hostile spirits in limbo to a fleshy state, and at some point after all take part in a painting workshop where people and zombies pair up and paint portrait of each other like the viral Tik Tok trend. 

The event is already nearing capacity as many are hoping to summon a local celebrity or Fairhope founder. Who will arrive? Thomas Greeno? Marietta Johnson?  Archibald Oneeightyone? We can't know for sure but some locals are already complaining about the surge in population that is set to occur after this. The issue of housing for the zombies has been brought up at a recent City Council meeting and right now the only viable option is the Mosher Castle and surrounding Air BnBs, which not only solves the problem but could even add some mystique to the vacation rentals. 

 

Crowd always outside of Tamara's found to not actually be eating, just trying to look really cool.

The hottest social club in Downtown Fairhope isn't The Monkey Bar or even playing Mahjong at Provision for high stakes (Husbands or Handbags), it's standing outside of Tamara's downtown looking cool. The trendiest couples are spending their free time standing outside of the restaurant looking mildly agitated in their nicest outfits for a while, then going home to eat instant Ramen and binge Netflix. It has started to become quite a thing in Fairhope. People are even bringing chess boards although they are really playing checkers just using the chess pieces. It's easier this way but people still think you're smart. Tamara's is planning to cash in on this new trend by providing tables, drinks, and food to the loiterers for a fee.